You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
