coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
