I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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