why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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