The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.