i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles