I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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