He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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