she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
everyone is single if you try hard enough
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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