Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
