apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
