I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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