Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Randomize
