I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
