Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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