Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
