He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
