The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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