I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
