I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
