Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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