listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
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Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
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Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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