He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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