I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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