I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
