he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
