I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
