Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
