This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."