Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.