Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
