you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
