why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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