And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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