please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
