I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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