She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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