hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
