You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
