I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
