Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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