I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
