Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
love makes seman taste better
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
