New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
