I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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