Pregnant stripper...not hot.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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