Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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