Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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