she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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