He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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