Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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