I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
