I just saw a hot homeless man
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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