My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
