How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
