If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
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He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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